This week I will turn 36. I now understand what people mean when they say, "where does the time go?"
Life is speeding up.
I am 14 months into a 34-month PA program. Some days, I feel like we started a month ago. Then, days like today happen, and I am shown how much I've actually learned.
We had a club meeting at lunch, and one of my favorite professors talked about her various jobs since graduating PA school. Toward the end, she presented 4 interesting cases. While she ran down the patient's chief complaint, medical history, medication history, and physical exam, I was struck that I understood everything she was saying. September-2018-Christen would have been so lost. "CMP, CBC, CT... What?" I followed her thought process and smiled inside. "Maybe I can do this."
PA school is like nothing else I've experienced in life...and I've experienced a lot of life. School was always fairly easy for me. I made my one and only B from K-12 in high school chemistry. I made 3 Bs in undergrad and managed straight-As in PA school prerequisites. I came into school expecting a challenge. I was not prepared for a full-life onslaught.
I am pushed to the breaking point at least once a month, if not weekly. I have cried in multiple faculty members' offices. I have made my first C, while fearing actual failure. I have composed imaginary apology emails to professors mid-exam because I "knew" I was failing.
PA school is 7-8 hours a day in a classroom, with 3-4 hours of studying in the evenings, and 10-12 hours of studying each Saturday and Sunday, only to make a 76 on a midterm. It's 4 quizzes a week and a test on your birthday while being required to complete side assignments and geriatric home visits.
It's beyond hard.
Daily, I question my own ability and intelligence and why on earth they ever let me in. I find myself doubting God—his ability to hold me, lead me, and see me through this season. How can this possibly work out?
.
But PA school is also incredible. It's worth it. I am learning things I've craved to know my whole life. Soon, I will be able to deliver babies, sew up cuts, read X-rays/MRIs/CTs, write prescriptions, and hopefully save some lives.
I have made "in the trenches" friends. Have you ever sat at a coffee shop and studied, cried, laughed, and hugged all the baristas in the span of an hour? I have. Have you been in a group text that makes you laugh so hard you leak actual tears? This happens to me almost daily. Do you take turns talking your friends off cliffs so they can talk you off one the next day? Yep. I do. I have a legit tribe.
Last night, over sushi, I had the opportunity to remember a moment of God's faithfulness. Four years ago this week, the week of my birthday 2015, I finally said out loud to my parents that I wanted to go to PA school. I knew what this dream would mean, the sacrifice it would require. About two weeks after that conversation, I got in touch with a realtor to look into selling my (dream) house. I was still on the fence about committing to this path, but I figured I would start the conversation.
The morning after the realtor walked through my house, he called to ask if he could show it to someone, even though he knew I was undecided.
Twenty-four hours later, I had a contract on my house. At my asking price.
"Okay, God. Okay."
And from that point, I haven't looked back.
I sold my house. I quit my job. I moved in with my parents while I worked on prerequisites. I survived prereqs and got into a PA school on the first try.
"Okay, God."
Yet somehow, I still doubt. How human of me.
I find myself turning to worship music quite often when I study. It brings me back to truth when all I feel is darkness. This is the song I have on repeat often (literally at this moment):
"When I fear my faith will fail
Christ will hold me fast
When the tempter would prevail
He will hold me fast
I could never keep my hold
Through life’s fearful path
For my love is often cold
He must hold me fast
He will hold me fast
He will hold me fast
For my Savior loves me so
He will hold me fast." -Sovereign Grace Music
It's true. He will hold me fast—through success or failure, whatever may come—my Savior loves me so and will hold me fast.
Much love,
Christen
