What is mental health to you? My understanding has made a large shift in the past 18 months, and I'd like to take you on this journey with me.
Preparing to leave for PA school was one of the more stressful times of my life. I remember asking my bible study to pray for me over and over again because I couldn't seem to get myself into gear to make some big (and little) decisions. I needed an apartment, electric, internet, renter's insurance, and scrubs! Good grief, I couldn't bring myself to order scrubs! Just looking at them on Amazon made me want to cry (okay, actually cry). Here I was wanting to go to PA school but dragging my feet to make any concrete decisions. I knew something was off, but I really didn't know what.
During the first week of PA school, I went to the student health clinic for a physical. It was a routine part of our onboarding. I filled out the paperwork and completed the depression and anxiety questionnaire. It all felt standard. Routine.
When my PA walked in the room, she kindly asked if we could reschedule the physical and address my anxiety. What? My anxiety? I don't have anxiety.
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Flashback to 2015. I went through a fairly rough breakup and decided to see a licensed professional counselor (LPC). I never realized how much stigma and shame I associated with seeing an LPC. For several months, I didn't tell a soul. I quietly went to my weekly sessions, hashed it out with my counselor, and left. In the beginning, I was terrified I was going to get diagnosed with some big, bad disease and felt like I needed to wait it out and see where I ended up.
I wasn't diagnosed with anything. Instead, I found that counseling helped me work through a lot of obstacles, dreads, and disappointments in my life. It brought life to my soul. And eventually I couldn't stop talking about it. Everyone needs to go to counseling!
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Returning to 2018. How could I have anxiety? I didn't remember any excessive worrying. Isn't that what anxiety is? The PA began to explain that anxiety could manifest in a lot of ways, in addition to worrying. Difficulty sleeping. Fatigue. Heart palpitations. Difficulty making decisions. Avoiding responsibilities. Oh shoot. That's me. I started to cry in her office. I was both scared at what this new term meant for me but also relieved to put a name to all of these things that I'd been carrying for a while.
I walked away that day with a list of self-care ideas, a referral to a psychiatrist, and a prescription for a common anxiety med.
Just like those early days in counseling, it took a long time to sort through my thoughts and feelings surrounding this new development. I felt broken. I felt weak. I felt like I had lost control of something important and had no idea how to set it back in order.
But little by little, I made peace with this new version of me. I now see the psychiatrist 4 times a year, I take my meds, I go for walks, I take naps. And I talk to people about my anxiety.
After 3 adjustments to my medications and a lot of prayer, self-reflection, counseling, friends, and studying about anxiety, I recently told the doc I feel like my anxiety is at a 1 or 2 out of 10 most days. I rarely feel the heart palpitations any more. I can recognize the anxiety rising in my chest and neck and take a time out. I haven't cried after a test in months. I feel on solid ground again.
Why do we shrink away from talking about mental health? I think because it's not tangible. You can't see the figurative gash in my brain that paralyzes me. It seems easier to explain it away as weakness, a lack of faith, or laziness. If you know me, if you truly know my heart, you know I am none of these things. I am strong (both mentally and physically), I trust the Lord, and though I love tv, I'm not lazy.
So, where does that leave us? Brain chemistry. When I knew something was off, it really was off.
I'm not sure how long this anxiety plans to stick around. The rest of PA school? The rest of my life? I'm unsure. But I know I have the tools and people and support around me to tackle it. I know the Lord hasn't left me but is walking alongside me in this. I know that 1 out of 5 people are going to deal with a mental health problem during their lifetime, and I'm now ready and equipped to help them through it.
You hear the cliche that everyone is going through something. I hope this opens your eyes that behind my loud laugh and big smile is more than what you may have thought.
Much love.
