If you have known me for any length of time, you know I'm not a long-term planner. I'm good to make plans for the next 6 months, but beyond that...it probably won't happen. I think this mentality stems from my desire to face one challenge at a time rather than consider 10 in advance.
I will never forget the day I learned what a syllabus is. I was a junior in high school taking a freshman-level college English class, and on the first day of class, I was handed this packet outlining every project, paper, assignment, and test for the whole semester. It didn't matter that I was a good student or that English came extremely easy to me. I was told in 15 minutes that I had 100 things to accomplish in 3 1/2 months. I remember coming home and crying because I didn't feel able.
For 8 semesters during undergrad, this situation repeated itself. Teachers told me what was expected, and I cried. No, I never cried in class, but at home, yes. Last semester when I started my EMT program, I managed to get through that first day without the waterworks. I started my 2nd semester today, and so far, no tears.
But the stress and feelings of inadequacy are still there. This morning, I sat and listened to my teacher explain the 9 tests we'd take, the inch and a half thick workbook we would complete, and the 144 hours of clinicals we'd perform. (Yes, that's twice as many as last semester.) Oh, and let's not forget that I still have to take my National Registry test on Friday. A test that at least 3 people in my class have failed, and that I must pass to even start my clinicals this semester. My brain was swimming. All I could think was, how am I going to do this? And work? And be involved? And date? (Oh wait.) There aren't enough hours in the day, or year. And on top of all that, I found a quiz in our textbook to measure stressors in your life. I took it. I scored a 314. Interpretation: "A score of 300 or more means you have an 80% chance of suffering from a stress-related illness in the near future." What the?! So, now, I'm being told that all these circumstances in my life are likely going to make me sick?
I about lost it.
Do I honestly think I'm going to fail? No. It will get done, some how, some way. I just wish I didn't have to think about it all at the same time. This is where I'd like to be a guy so I could compartmentalize it. Y'all do that, right?
Thanks for listening to my bit of complaining. It's the stress talking. Please pray that I take this one day at a time. Pray that I recall everything I've studied for my test on Friday.
Much love.
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