Partly true piece of fiction

Her friend leaned over and asked how she was feeling. She paused and gave a quizzical look, "I don't know."

The question lingered in her mind throughout the entire evening. Why didn't she have a straight answer?

On the drive home, the thought plagued her. What was this feeling?

Sadness? No. She was a crier, so tears would be present if she was sad.

Anger? No again. The anger had subsided weeks ago.

Disappointment? She tried the word out on her lips. "Disappointment." It seemed to want to fit, but that still wasn't it.

Peace? No, definitely not peace. It was far too heavy to be peace.

"Nothing."

"I feel... Nothing."

The word seemed odd and yet-- true.

"Nothing. I'm okay with that."

Feeling nothing meant she wasn't feeling all these other emotions, which brought a sense of contentment and almost... Joy. She could handle nothing. She liked nothing. Nothing was the best feeling she had felt in five months.

Three, two, one...

I'm two seconds away from losing my mind.

The building where I work is under major renovations. I sit at a folding table right now because my old desk was destroyed and my new desk has not arrived.

In the room I work, the following things are happening simultaneously:
- Shelving is being hung with a drill and hammer
- The carpet is being cleaned by an industrial sized vacuum cleaner
- The baseboards are being nailed into place

Even with headphones shoved in my ears, the noise is unbearable. I can feel my blood pressure rising. My concentration is next to nothing. And my work is continuously piling up as a result.

Maybe no one will notice if I scream...

I can almost feel my toes in the sand

I had a chill evening at Starbucks last night. There's something about a caramel macchiato that brings clarity and sense to your life.

Next week is a wedding I have been anticipating for months. I'll be traveling to Destin, FL to sit beachside as one of my friends marries the love of her life. Ironically, this love is my ex-boyfriend's brother. And said ex-boyfriend is the best man.

Now, I know what you're thinking, "That seems like torture." Well...such is life. I am consciously walking into next week's events with a high head and a big ol' smile because I wouldn't miss my friend's day for anything, not even to avoid a potentially awkward situation.

It's bittersweet, really. I'll get to witness the biggest day of her entire life. I'll get to see our friends as well as her new in-laws who, by the way, are the coolest family in the world. Plus, I'll get two days at the beach with no distractions. Sounds like a pretty good package in exchange for an awkward side hug and meaningless small talk. ;)

Hope you're having a great week.

Free Rice

I went to see Augustana last night with two amazing friends. "I think I'll go Boston..."

I so wish.

Nate reminded me last night of a site where you can earn free rice for the hungry by playing a simple vocabulary game. Anyone who knows me knows that my vocabulary isn't exactly huge. Thesauruses are my best friend. I'm also a terrible speller-- I went to look up thesaurus.

I have played a lot today. I think I earned around 8 thousand grains of rice. :) While you're visiting the site, don't skip the link to www.poverty.com. If it doesn't break your heart, reread it. I don't think I fully understand this world and the living conditions so many people experience.

Lord, make me more aware of those outside my sphere of life.

Go play. Feed the hungry. Make a difference.

This sucks

I feel a little piece of my soul die every time I fill up with gas.

As the numbers roll, I think:
"well, $10 could buy me a nice dinner."
"$20 would get me a cute shirt."
"for $30, a pair of shoes."
"man! For $40, I could get the perfect pair of jeans."
"UGH! $50!! That's electricity for an entire month!"

Maybe I should start selling plasma again.

I really don't want all of my posts to be deleted.

Sex

I've recently started watching Sex and the City somewhat faithfully. It comes on the CW every night as I'm getting into bed, and I'm guilty of both renting a complete season and seeing the new movie. I'm fascinated by their fashion and friendships as well as their complete lack of respect for sex.

I'm openly a virgin. It's most definitely a choice, not an unfortunate lack of options or opportunities. I think relationships are hard enough by themselves. You're trying to get to know someone, feel comfortable with them, build a mutual trust-- why complicate things even more with sex? I've heard you've gotta test drive before you buy. But if all you've ever driven is a Ford and all you will ever drive is a Ford, you love driving a Ford. This isn't complicated...

So anyway, watching this show really got me thinking. I can't imagine how hard it is to be in a new, vulnerable relationship and worrying about sex on top of that. In one episode, Carrie and Mr. Big had been dating for a couple of months, sleeping together frequently, when they went three days without sex. She was freaking out, questioning the relationship, wondering what it meant. I have my fair share of freaking out during relationships, and it usually happens before I've even kissed the guy! In that moment, I just thought, "Wow, I can't imagine going through a break up and trying to get over a guy who I shared something that intimate with."

When I get married (one of these days), I won't have anything to compare with. I won't have to be figuring out a relationship and sex at the same time. I'll be in the most protected, safe relationship of my life.

Just a thought...