Day 18: My biggest insecurity
I've waited a week to write this blog because I'm insecure about what I want to say. I tend to say too much in blogs, but I rarely allow the "unlovely" parts of me to come through in my writing. I like to pick and choose my brighter moments to showcase in writing for eternity. Instead, this blog asks for my biggest insecurity. As a woman, I have several. Some are more challenging than others. But I decided to be open and honest.
I have no picture for this blog because I already feel somewhat pathetic just writing about it. If you continue reading past this point, you are not allowed to comment with anything you think will be encouraging, "a word from the Lord," or good advice. Just read it and move on. :)
My biggest insecurity is being single in East Texas at 27.
I put in the qualifying statement of "East Texas" because I know that with the rest of the world, I am completely normal. However, in good ol' East Texas, I might as well be post-menopausal.
Growing up, everyone I knew, my parents, aunts, uncles, friends' parents, all got married in their late teens/early 20's. I have always been an early bloomer and expected to find that special someone at an early age. However, high school passed without anyone that significant; college passed with one broken heart and one short-term relationship. Post-college, I've dated off and on. One guy was extremely promising until he left me for a married woman (not promising, just so you know). And since him, I've been left completely unimpressed.
Each year has ticked by with friend after friend getting married. I am actually at a place now where I am attending far more baby showers than wedding showers. I can count on ONE hand the number of single girl friends I have.
And it's a struggle. Part of me wants to look on the bright side and think that God is saving me for someone extra special. But the other part of me feels like that kid who gets picked last for dodgeball.
It's not just marriage. I know that a marriage will not solve all my problems. It's the companionship. The camaraderie. Having someone to witness my life. Having someone to sit by at Christmas. Someone to come home to after a long day. Let me tell you, coming home to my cat....not exciting.
The reason it's such a big insecurity for me is because other people make such a big deal about it. I can go through a day and think very little about the fact that I'm single. I've never woken up to someone...I don't miss it. I've always had my time to do with as I please. I enjoy watching tv or reading, and just being alone. But when people ask if I'm married, the expression, even if they think they're being sly, is always shock. The people who cannot hide their surprise whatsoever are teenagers. Between my employees and small group kids, I've had 30+ little sets of eyes widen as I explain one more time that no, I'm neither married nor dating anyone.
It's also awkward running into people I grew up with who are on their third child (or divorce...whatever their path may be). Getting to explain that I'm not married or dating and no, I really don't have any kids, well, it's not fun.
It's also weird being this age and single. I don't fit neatly in any category. College age? Nope. Young adults? Barely. Young couples? Nope, nope. And hanging out with married couples is a drag, too. (Sorry to all my married friends.) The world doesn't have a place for late-20's singles.
And if all this isn't enough, some people think it's their God-given talent and PURPOSE to find me "Mr. Right." I really don't love being set up. It's awkward. If you really want me to meet your brother/friend/co-worker/nephew/cousin-twice-removed, find a way for us to be in the same room without telling us we're being set up. If there's a spark, we're old enough to figure it out. ;)
So, why do I tell you all this? Because the blog-a-thon demanded it. It's relentless. And because I figure this blog is about me, and this is a huge part of my life. I have somehow managed to make it through 12 years of dating without growing resentful. It is what it is. And I'm still optimistic.
Maybe 2011 will be my year. Maybe not. Either way, I continue on this path that is my life. The one God intended.
1 comment:
i get you from the opposite end. everyone in this state is 30 and single, so it's hard to relate to people. i'm category-less because there's a giant generation gap between me, my husband and everyone around me. up here it's weird being this age and married.
but i don't think there's any stage of life that doesn't leave you feeling weird and halfway insecure. once you get used to one thing, it goes completely the other way.
Post a Comment