Forgiveness when it hurts the most

Today has been a rough day. The kind that makes you wish you could climb up into your parents' bed, cover your head with the sheets, and just disappear. As much as I wanted to wallow in my sadness or hold on to my anger for weeks, I woke up knowing that the Lord has called me to forgiveness.

I was hurt last night by a thoughtless act from a friend. A friend whom I greatly value. The details of what transpired are not important. What is important is the way we both responded.

I was quick to anger. I admittedly struggle with anger, something the Lord and I are working through. I took myself home and put myself to bed. If I'm asleep, I can't lash out, which was the goal.

This morning, the sunlight brought clarity, and the Lord renewed the good work he has begun in me: teaching me forgiveness. I so often ask for his forgiveness and believe he gives it freely and fully. And he asks me to do the same.

This morning also brought her response: a phone call, and on the other end was my friend with a sincere apology. I did not hesitate to forgive.

It took a lot of maturity on her end to face the music and be honest.

We sat and talked this afternoon. Will things go back to normal immediately? No. Hurt is hurt. I may be able to genuinely forgive, but the emotions don't automatically subside. I'm sad, disappointed...hurt.

And I'll be okay.

I'm so thankful for growth. I'm so thankful for maturity. I'm so thankful that I can see that in the grand scheme of things, this is minuscule. And with time, things will go back to normal. And we will laugh and trust again. I'm thankful for my friend.

Tired much?

What a week! I have been to Maypearl to Kerrville and back since Monday. I have to say I am beyond exhausted. I still haven't had a solid night's sleep, but I have high hopes for this evening. :)

This week was church camp. Camp, for me growing up, was the most wonderful time of year. I remember climbing on the bus to go home each summer and dreading the fact that I had to wait a full year to come back. I love camp. Still do.

Something powerful happens at camp. There are no distractions from home, no tv, no jobs, no homework. Camp exhausts you to the point where you're vulnerable and willing to be vulnerable with other people...and especially God. Camp is a week to be a kid, get dirty, play, and have no cares. It truly feels magical. Did I mention I love camp?

I didn't think I was going to get to go this year because of work and school, but something in me was determined to go. So against better financial and academic judgement, I went. And I'm so thankful I did.

That "missing piece" that I've felt for a while...it feels whole. I couldn't put my finger on it prior to this week, but now it makes sense. It's the ashes, the things that weigh us down. I've tried to carry it for too long, and those burning embers under the ash couldn't breathe. It's time to let them be exposed.

I also built and strengthened relationships within our youth group. We have amazing leaders and students, and I'm so honored to know them.

This weekend, Scotty and I went to Kerrville for my cousin Jill's wedding. We had a blast!!! Seriously, one of the best receptions ever! :)

I'm tired. Scotty's driving right now, and I'm wearily staying awake. 3 1/2 more hours til home. I miss my bed.

Much love.

Another Day, Another Change

I've been waiting to tell you the news until I got the thumbs up from higher up (not God, just management), but I accepted the position of Assistant Manager at Chick-fil-A! I start on the 26th! I have to admit I'm nervous, and it means a lot of changes to my current life, but I'm excited, nonetheless.

I will not be returning to school in the fall. It was a hard decision process because we all know I moved home to go to school. But between thinking, praying, and discussions with the parents, I feel confident I'm making the right decision. I will be a licensed EMT-Intermediate at the end of this summer semester, so this hasn't all been for nothing. But I'm taking a pause. A breath, if you will. A moment to persue something different...because we all know how much I enjoy change and new jobs. :)

I'll be working nights, which has its pros and cons, so come see me!

Much love. And eat more chicken ;)

One Second

Have you seen the new AT&T commercial where the man invisions his son being the next president, and then changes his train ticket to sit by the girl? The closing slogan says, "Any second could be the second."

I love that. If you know me well, you know that I love love, and you can probably envision me tearing up at that commercial. (Yeah, that happened. Okay, okay....more than once.)

But what it says, "Any second could be the second," spoke to me in more ways than just love. Doesn't it keep you on your toes to think that the next second of your life could potentially change your life? That unexpected conversation, that little prayer, that wrong turn....everything can change.

I'm not afraid of change. I'm not afraid to take a risk just to see how it pans out. It keeps things interesting.

When I was in high school, a pastor in my life told me I would always be in God's will unless I intentionally stepped out of it. That took away all the fear of accidentally missing it. I desire to know God, I desire to make him known, and to live the life he desires for me. I don't want to ever step out of it, but I do like that it takes interesting turns. :)

Changes coming. I know you're not surprised. Details to follow in the near future. :)

Much love.

Patches? We don't need no stinkin' patches

As you finish each level of EMS and pass the appropriate tests, you earn a new patch for your uniform. I currently hold my EMT-Basic in both national registry and state licensing. When I walk into clinical sites, I have visible proof that I am capable of certain skills and responsible for a stash of basic-level knowledge. Just a glance at my patch says, "She can administer instant glucose and is learning IV's now." Easy, right?

Don't you wish your other life achievements, accomplishments, or figure-it-out-the-hard-way moments were more obvious to others?

Instead of people asking me in shock, "You're 26? Why aren't you married?" They would see my certified "2 broken hearts" patch and "multiple failed dating attempts" certificate.

Instead of assuming I'm in paramedic school because I've wasted the last 8 years since high school, they would see my "bachelor's degree" emblem, and...well, I guess I could go ahead and wear my flight attendant wings. I might need a patch that says something about "She changes her mind a lot" and "Just wants to love what she does."

I would also have patches for my useless knowledge of celebrity life and "Friends"...just in case someone wanted to play a trivia game or make a bet, or something.

Anyone up for this idea? I'm also pretty great at hand-stitching, so I could get started on your patches, if you need.

Let me know. :)

(By the way, the title is stolen from the movie Troop Beverly Hills, and is best said with a Hispanic accent.)

One

In my new line of work, I'm constantly reminded how blessed and fortunate I am.

I thank God for the roof over my head, as the man tells me he's lived in a tent for 15 years.

I thank God for parents who continue to love and support me, as a child dies from child abuse.

I thank God for health, as the patient with asthma struggles to breathe.

I thank God for the wisdom to not smoke, as the woman in her 30's lists "emphysema" as part of her health history.

And I thank God for the heart he's given me, the desire he's placed in me, and the strength to continue as I encounter these seemingly hopeless situations.

I will never be able to save every child. It's impossible to cure each disease.

But I can try.

And if I'm able to save one, I've made a difference.

But for a season

I find it really easy to get caught up in my own world. I see the tests, clinical hours, work schedules, and sparse free time, and it's almost suffocating. Yesterday, it seemed to all catch up with me. I was having a rough day at work, and it took everything in me not to sit in a corner and cry. I was feeling pretty down and sorry for myself.

But then I went to church, and the first song during worship said, "I adore you, I love everything you are." Do you know how hard it is to honestly sing those lyrics while focusing on your own problems? Then, one of my small group kids reminded me about the book we've been reading, Crazy Love, and the lesson we had about worrying. Worrying, or seeing your own problems as a big deal, is a form of arrogance. Compared to the happenings and injustices not only in this world, but also the ones throughout time, my problems are but a moment. I probably won't even remember these frustrations in a year. Life goes on. And God, and our relationship with Him, is so much bigger and better than any issue we think we are facing.

I went to bed thinking about the blessings I have, instead of the frustrations. And I awoke knowing that this is just a season.

I hope you know that today's problems are just a season. He will see you through.

Much love.

Adopting a God-dream

Yesterday, I was picking up my bridesmaid dress for a friend's wedding this summer, and we were talking shoes, jewelry, hair. I disappointed her when I said my hair doesn't hold curls. I've tried: mousse, hair spray, rollers, curling iron, flat iron, the works! It looks pretty for an hour and then it's straight (with a bunch of nasty products in it). My hair is straight, very straight. It doesn't hold curl, and this is a fact I long ago accepted. I don't try to force my hair to do what it doesn't naturally have the ability to do.

I think our interaction with God is often the same. We beg him to make us into something we were never created to do. We try to stretch or mold ourselves into an idea that God never had for us. It's like putting rollers in my hair. It might work for a moment, but we're going to be frustrated and disappointed in the end.

Sometimes we have to let go of the dreams that aren't God-dreams. Let him use the abilities he naturally gave you. You will succeed far more than you imagined.

Love without words

Love speaks a language that is deeper, lovelier, and more eloquent than any we know and speak. Love crosses every boundary- race, religion, class. And the beauty of love is that it was designed by a heavenly author.

My former youth pastors recently adopted a little girl from China. She is almost 7 and doesn't speak a lick of English. I would venture to say their Chinese is about as good. But the reports I have heard are incredible. She laughs with them, plays, hugs, cuddles, and trusts them, without being able to really communicate. It's the beauty of love.

At work, the ladies who cook in the back all speak Spanish. Despite my 4 years in school, I definitely am not proficient in the language by any means. But I say hola and pat them on the back, and ask about their ninos, and smile with each passing. And when I've been gone for a couple of days, they ask where I've been, and hug me. That's love. Somehow, I've conveyed love. No credit to me...just the beauty of an unspoken language.

Love someone today. Much love.

Thoughts from the back of an ambulance

I finally figured out a way to blog from my phone. Sitting at the computer is one thing I do not make time for in my life any more. My Mac has seen better days and refuses to connect to the internet, so I can't lay in bed and write like I used to. Therefore blogging has its best chances during my down time at clinicals or break at work.

Tonight I find myself in the back of an ambulance, killing time while the guys fill up with gas. We've had some good calls, and I'm glad I got a chance to tag along. One thing I realized tonight was that I have the strangest mix of fears. I can put a c-collar (neck immobilizer) on a bleeding patient without a flinch, but that dead spider in the station's bathroom about made me come unglued. I love knowing that I'm helping someone; maybe that's why blood and vomit and other unpleasant fluids don't bother me.

Alright, it's quittin' time. Much love.

Not quite homeless

I'm sitting in the office at our home writing. Writing to whomever might stumble upon this humble blog and read these words. Writing while my parents sit at the dining room table and sign papers with a realtor. We are selling our home. The home I have lived in sporadically since 2000. A home where I dressed for prom, left for college, watched a million movies, and spent a thousand nights. I love this house. I have lived here more than anywhere else.

I feel torn about the future. I want it to sell. I want my parents to build their dream home out on my grandparents' land near the lake. I truly want this for them.

But I'm not ready for the next step. I'm not sure what it means for me. Where will I live? Where will I finish school? Do I want to stay in Longview when all my family is in Van? Do I want to live in Van where the closest Walmart is 30 minutes away?

I pride myself in my flexibility and love of change, and I am these things. But it's hard to plan anything when you may be homeless in 4-8 weeks.

I have some options, but it's a matter of deciding what I want and where. I'm trusting for the Lord's timing and the Lord's leading. God, order my steps.

If you're looking for a beautiful 3 bedroom house, let me know. :)

Transient

I have not spent a 12 month period in the same place since 2002. As many different times as I've made plans to stay put, I haven't. Even now, I want to put down roots, but I can't. I know life will change soon. I don't worry about it, because life always works itself out, but someday, I want to live somewhere for a while.

I want a reason to stay put.

Look it's Lent!

Well, folks, it's that time again! Happy Mardi Gras!! Tomorrow begins a time of prayer and fasting called Lent. Last year, I wrote about the history of this time. If you missed it, check it out: http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=74745751507 If you don't have FB, well, I guess it's time to sign up. :)

The Lord has been stirring my heart the past few weeks. In the midst of my craziness, he wants to be known and to be the prominent part of my life like never before. He's not satisfied simply with church attendance and good deeds; he wants my heart. I have been eagerly anticipating this time. I have taken part in Lent for the past several years, and it is always a tremendous time of growing, learning, and stretching-- and drawing nearer to a savior who loves me entirely more than I can fathom.

During the weeks leading up to Lent, I have to examine my life and my heart: What consumes my time and energy, my thoughts, passions, and focus? What can I give up during this season that will be challenging and will spur me towards prayer? The whole point of fasting is to give up a practice that we desire, and when thinking on this thing, pray instead of taking part. I have a feeling I will be reminded to pray quite often this year.

If you have never taken a season to fast, I challenge you to jump on board. Lent lasts from tomorrow until Easter Sunday. It's not about the rules, it's about the heart behind it. Allow this to be an encouraging time, not a guilt trip or legalistic game. And when we reach Easter, I pray we all more fully understand the sacrifice that was made on our behalf.

Much love.

Snow Day

Some of my very favorite memories include snow. Growing up, my family used to go skiing every year. I can remember taking "secret" trails with my best friend, staying inside with my mom because it had snowed 12" the night before, burying Cokes in the snow to find later, and pushing the limits without care. One of my first memories is from when I was 3 or 4. It had snowed in Van, and we built a snowman. I'm pretty sure I remember every snowman I've ever attempted.

Snow is magical, especially in Texas. It's gentle and clean. It's the epitome of peaceful. I could sit and watch it snow for hours.

I've sat and watched it snow for hours today. Well, I haven't sat, but it snowed throughout my entire work day, which made it great.

I secretly pray for snow all year long. Not just because I hope it closes work and school (which of course I do), but because it's one of my favorite things. I love snow. Love.

Hope you've had a nice snow day. Today makes me want to move to Colorado so bad.

Much love.

A cup of tea with my thoughts

I've heard all these great things about green tea-- weight loss, sun damage protection, lower cancer risks. Whatever the reasons to drink it, I'm sitting here with a hot cup of tea and my thoughts.

I still don't know the results from my EMT test on Friday, but I'm feeling calmer and slightly more optimistic. I'm not sure I passed, but I guess I feel better that if I failed, I can retake it and life has not ended.

This is going to be a hard semester, both physically and mentally. I took forgranted not having to work in college. I did work because I wanted spending money, but I wasn't stressed trying to pay a school bill or rent. Thank the Lord for such generous parents. Balancing work and school will be a challenge, but I'm ready to tackle it. I think one of my biggest challenges will be practicing IV's. I hate causing people inconvenience, and pain falls in there somewhere. I'm a bit of a perfectionist and missing IV's will be stressful. But practice makes perfect and failure builds character, and well, both of these things are good.

Quick update: My church officially has a pastor. I am so excited to have Pastor Edgar and Stephanie Ayala joining us in a few short weeks. When my dad retired last February, I had no idea it would take a solid year to get a new pastor in place. A lot has changed. We have seen growth in some areas, and pruning in others. We lost our music pastor (miss you, Tim!!), which was a huge loss, but we've had the opportunity to watch another man grow in his talents and abilities as he stepped into empty shoes. We were forced to stand on the promise that God had someone great for us. And I'm really excited that we found just that. I love Longview First Assembly. They became my church family 16 years ago, and I've loved growing up with them. I cannot wait for the next season. :)

Hope you have a wonderful week. I'm sad the weekend's over. I spent some much needed time with great friends. I love home and I love Dallas. It was nice to have both in the same weekend.

Much love.

This girl is a complete and total stress ball

If you have known me for any length of time, you know I'm not a long-term planner. I'm good to make plans for the next 6 months, but beyond that...it probably won't happen. I think this mentality stems from my desire to face one challenge at a time rather than consider 10 in advance.

I will never forget the day I learned what a syllabus is. I was a junior in high school taking a freshman-level college English class, and on the first day of class, I was handed this packet outlining every project, paper, assignment, and test for the whole semester. It didn't matter that I was a good student or that English came extremely easy to me. I was told in 15 minutes that I had 100 things to accomplish in 3 1/2 months. I remember coming home and crying because I didn't feel able.

For 8 semesters during undergrad, this situation repeated itself. Teachers told me what was expected, and I cried. No, I never cried in class, but at home, yes. Last semester when I started my EMT program, I managed to get through that first day without the waterworks. I started my 2nd semester today, and so far, no tears.

But the stress and feelings of inadequacy are still there. This morning, I sat and listened to my teacher explain the 9 tests we'd take, the inch and a half thick workbook we would complete, and the 144 hours of clinicals we'd perform. (Yes, that's twice as many as last semester.) Oh, and let's not forget that I still have to take my National Registry test on Friday. A test that at least 3 people in my class have failed, and that I must pass to even start my clinicals this semester. My brain was swimming. All I could think was, how am I going to do this? And work? And be involved? And date? (Oh wait.) There aren't enough hours in the day, or year. And on top of all that, I found a quiz in our textbook to measure stressors in your life. I took it. I scored a 314. Interpretation: "A score of 300 or more means you have an 80% chance of suffering from a stress-related illness in the near future." What the?! So, now, I'm being told that all these circumstances in my life are likely going to make me sick?

I about lost it.

Do I honestly think I'm going to fail? No. It will get done, some how, some way. I just wish I didn't have to think about it all at the same time. This is where I'd like to be a guy so I could compartmentalize it. Y'all do that, right?

Thanks for listening to my bit of complaining. It's the stress talking. Please pray that I take this one day at a time. Pray that I recall everything I've studied for my test on Friday.

Much love.

Where I'm At

When did it become 2010? (By the way, we're all going to get on board for calling it twenty-ten, right? I'm worn out from saying "two thousand" for the last 10 years.)

Anyway...this past decade has been huge. I experienced most of high school, all of college, being a flight attendant, going through Master's Commission, working at an elementary school, and returning to school to be an EMT during the '00's. All the while, I went through all of my legitimate adult relationships, had my heart broken (eh, twice), and possibly broke a heart or two (though you'd have to ask them about the past statuses of said hearts).

This past year alone was crazy. I chalk it up to a big learning experience. I started the year by dating a guy who can't be described as anything less than a jerk (don't worry, he'll never read this, and if he does, well, hey, this isn't new information). I didn't listen to my intuition at first, and as a result, learned my first big lesson for the year. Two thousand nine found me standing up for myself and no longer putting up with someone else's crap (yes, I just described someone's life issues and baggage as crap...we all have it). I have been on more first dates this past year than the last 10 years combined. And I have been on zero second dates (aside from aforementioned jerk). There are a plethora of reasons for that, but that's not important.

2009 also found me changing jobs, moving home with my parents, and going back to school. It has been an incredibly humbling experience. I spent the years after college living by myself (as well as 100% supporting myself) to suddenly be in a place where money is not a luxury. I can't go get that monthly massage or that weekly (read: daily) latte. I just can't. I have a car payment. I have health insurance. But despite my seeming financial woes, it has been an incredibly joyful 6 months. I got to watch my little brother play all but 1 of his varsity football games. I led a high school small group from the church that I grew up in and that shaped me.
I had the best Christmas I've had in a very long time...not because of the presents, but because I was in a house full of decorations, I made Christmas cookies, and I got to spend every waking moment with my family. I traded some financial security for many more less tangible pleasures.

I am a walking blender of emotions. Catch me on the wrong day and all you'll hear is how frustrated I am. But I was quickly reminded this past week by a friend that I am very blessed.

And that's truth. That's truth that leads me into twenty-ten with a high head and big expectations. I'll make all the basketball games I can physically be at before my little brother graduates and moves off to college. I'll spend my free evening hanging out with my family, watching a movie, or just playing cards. And I'll continue to avoid that 2nd date as long as it doesn't feel right. 2010 is about the fulfillment of life, not the rush or busy-ness or lack of resources. It's about living to my greatest potential. :)

Good luck. Much love.